When your efforts don't lead to feeling good about yourself, it's time to change.
In today's world, we are constantly bombarded by expectations and demands to be better at something. Work faster, more efficiently. Multi-task. Multi-multi task. Try harder, achieve more, using fewer resources. Look prettier, skinner, younger. Be a better person, a better mother/father, a better son/daughter, a better husband/wife, a better friend.
Everything is a competition, against oneself, against others, against time. The message is whatever you do, whoever you are, wherever you're at in life is never enough.
Of course, becoming better at something is a growth mindset; it’s helpful when you want to attain an important goal. At the extreme end of this continuum, however, is what we know as perfectionism — being perfect. It's a survival mode, driven by an unconscious process to adapt to impossible demands or situations. Never make a mistake. Avoid any kind of flaw or shortcoming. Beat yourself up mentally with negative self-talk, whenever things don't go as expected.
The paradox is that the more you aim for perfection, the more you notice what you are not achieving, the more you believe that you have to try harder, the more you feel not good enough. It's exhausting.
The efforts that you put in do not create any sense of satisfaction at the end. That's a lost investment.
Stop, breathe, and think...
The good news is if you notice that you are heading towards perfection, you can do something about it.
Who is driving you (to perfection)?
Whenever you notice the urge to do more, be more, or be perfect, it's probably not your own internal desire, particularly when it doesn't feel so good inside. While it does feel like it's all yours, but it probably came from someone else. You've somehow internalized this someone's belief and now it becomes yours.
It can be a complicated process of unraveling the mind and identifying the source of this belief, tracing it all the way back to this someone (or more than one) who has been in the driver's seat inside your mind. That's therapy work, if you'd really like to delve deeper into it.
For now, though, you can start by noticing the way you talk to yourself whenever something doesn't go quite as expected, whenever you make a "mistake", and whenever you feel the urge to do more or be better. If this internal dialogue is negative or self-critical, it's probably not yours to begin with. And it's usually not helpful to hold on to it.
If it doesn't feel good internally, it doesn't belong
By this, I don't mean to be hedonistic - only do what feels good. When your desire and effort to do/be better ends up in self-blame or agony, it just doesn't add up. Efforts should lead to a pat in the back, for trying, regardless of what the outcome is.
Practice noticing the internal dialogue, and if it's negative, choose to let it go. It doesn't belong inside you. Some negative internal dialogue will be harder to let go than others. It's okay, just be aware of them. One day, you may get tired of it, just like how you get tired of a friend who's constantly critical and negative towards you.
At the same time, practice self-compassion. Pat yourself in the back for every little effort you make, no matter what other people tell you. Your voice is the most important here. Others' voice is just their opinion. They can have an opinion, but it doesn't mean it's the truth.
Enough with being better, being perfect, for someone else.
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